Children & Grief

Death is a normal part of life. Experts agree that kids, even very young ones, shouldn't be kept from seeing a loved one die. Kids can understand that death is something that happens and are interested in learning more about it. The best thing to do is to talk to the child about the death in a way that is appropriate for their age and is honest.


Find out what the child already knows about the situation by asking them questions. Then you can tell him the truth about what's going on in simple terms. You could say, "Grandma's heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died." It's important not to say things that could confuse or scare the child, like "Grandma went to sleep and won't wake up" or "God took Grandma to be with the angels."

These phrases are meant to make the child feel better, but they might take them more literally than you think. As an example, the child may become afraid of going to sleep because he thinks the same thing will happen to him. Let the child ask questions if they want to, but don't push them if they don't answer. A younger child might ask things like, "Where is Grandma now?" or "Is my kitty in heaven?" Older kids might understand death better and ask more abstract questions about faith, the meaning of life, and other things like that. No matter how old they are, give them honest, simple answers that they can understand.

The age and emotional development of a child will influence the way they experience grief.

Ages 2 to 7

Children under the age of 7 mostly think of death as a way to say goodbye. This could make them feel scared and alone. They might be afraid of being alone and not want to sleep or go to school by themselves. Because kids this age aren't very good at saying how they feel, they might "act out" instead, like throwing tantrums, not listening to adults, or making up an imaginary life and role-playing.

Other behaviors that kids between the ages of 2 and 5 might show include problems with eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, or wetting the bed. Kids under 2 years old may suddenly stop talking and become more irritable in general.

Ages 7 to 12

Kids this age are starting to understand that death is a permanent thing. They might see death as a more personal threat to their safety, become afraid of dying themselves, or do things to "protect" themselves from death, like getting close to someone they think can protect them or focusing on being "good" or "brave." Others may just pull away from people socially or emotionally. Some symptoms are trouble concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following directions, and trouble doing everyday tasks.

Teens

Teenagers and adults understand and think about death in very similar ways, but they may show their sadness in different ways. They may respond more dramatically or engage in reckless behaviors to "defy" death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, taking illegal drugs, or having unprotected sex may all be ways that people "act out" their worries and sadness.



A teen who is having trouble dealing with their loss may sometimes think about killing themselves. Kids and teens who are thinking about or talking about suicide, giving away their things, or being obsessed with death are all warning signs. Teenagers who have lost a loved one should be watched by their parents for any changes in their behavior. If the parents think their child might be in danger, they should get professional help right away.